Wilson Post Blogs

To whom it may concern (i.e. Heavenly Father, Jesus, God, etc.)

I know it’s been awhile and I’m sorry about that. It’s just that when you let Kate Gosselin make it through six weeks of eliminations, my faith began to wane. Kidding! You know I like to open my prayers on a light note.

I’m sure You are aware of all that’s been going on lately. What with the volatile stock market, housing crisis and Kim Kardashian’s wedding, it’s been pretty tough on all of us financially. (Except for those Kardashians who seem to be the leaders of a new crowd making a fortune by being famous for absolutely NOTHING!)

Now I’m not saying we don’t deserve a little hardship. It was the greed wasn’t it? Or was it how we all tried to buy our way into modern day salvation with fancy cars, obnoxious housing, expensive vacations and ‘questionable’ Facebook relationships? We didn’t worry about money. Nope, we just worried about the other ‘M’ word; MORE. Nobody noticed our worry though. How could they when Botox erased any hint of emotion?

By BECKY ANDREWS, Wilson Living Magazine
Raise your hand if you’re perfect. If you’ve never made a mistake, raised your voice at your children, husband, friend or parent, cursed at an idiot driver, cursed at an idiot driver in front of your children, lied about your age, weight (or in Angel Kane’s case), your height, drank or ate too much. If you did raise your hand, pat yourself on the back.

Liar! Seriously, most of us have made one or more errors in judgment. That is life. And for someone to admit that they are not perfect, well this is the first step to being real. That takes a lot of audacity, being real.

By ANGEL KANE, Wilson Living Magazine
We recently traveled to visit the newest member of our family. Her name is Ana, my brother’s third child. As I held her all weekend, my husband knew what was coming….

…with her baby powder smell, adorable, pink onesies and warm, little snuggles…

…there was no doubt about it.

So, I said it loud and clear for everyone to hear, “She is so precious. I think I should have another baby!” 

To which my sister-in-law responded…

But first - a word about my sister-in-law.

I only have one sibling, my younger brother. Six years my junior, he was really too young to play with, so instead, he became my indentured servant. We did everything together. And he did everything I told him to do… that was… until he married HER.

Now, don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of things I like about HER. She is ultra-OCD. Everything and everybody has its place. In many ways, I broke my brother in, just for her…so she kind of owes me!

And as I was sitting, cooing over her newest baby, and telling everyone within earshot that I was definitely going to have a fourth child,

SHE hollered from the kitchen…“You can’t have another baby! You are too old!”

I immediately looked at my little brother. His mouth was open, aghast, at what SHE had said to ME.  My husband, on the other hand, sat back laughing…ready for the show!   

“What did you say to me???!!!! I am not old! I am only 40, six years older than you! And for your information, there are lots of people my age, who are only now having their first child.”

SHE then made her way from the kitchen to where we were all sitting,

“You traded in your mini-van, turned your playroom into a media room, joined a gym and every time we talk are threatening to botox those wrinkles between your eyes…YOU are now too old to have a baby!”

Later that day, as we drove home, my husband said, “I thought you were going to take her out when she made that “old” comment, but instead you let it go.”

“Well, I figure she is on her third kid, which means she owns a dirty van, her playroom is littered with half naked Barbies and various Uno cards, her only form of exercise is yelling at her kids and those furrows between her eyes will only get deeper with each and every day that Ana doesn’t sleep through the night.

I, on the other hand, am going to spend the money I would have spent on HER Christmas gift, on Botox!”  

To read more of Angel and Becky’s columns, go to www.wilsonpost.com and hit Blogs.

By BECKY ANDREWS, Wilson Living Magazine
Many of us know someone who has perfect children. The children who never talk back (even though they started talking in complete sentences at 6 weeks old), their children began reading and could recite all the amendments of the Bill of Rights by age 2, could kick a field goal from the 50 yard line at 8 years old and now colleges from the top 10 have already reserved a full scholarship for Junior.

Of course all of the above is according to the parents, who tend to embellish at times. These are also the parents that you can tell take secret joy in discovering that your youngest didn’t learn how to tie his shoes until 2nd grade.

This type of parent never seemed to faze my mother. I’d like to think she was so incredibly open about the failings of her children because she simply liked to make others feel better. But part of me knows better. When I would ask her why she insisted on telling the parents of my classmates I sucked my thumb until age 11 she’d reply,

“But look at you now. You don’t suck your thumb anymore.”

She did this quite often. We (my brothers and sisters) like to reminisce about how mom introduced us to complete strangers. It always went a little like this,

“This is my oldest son, Mike. He’s very creative and so sensitive. Don’t offer him a drink though. He’s a recovering alcoholic.”

“This is Laura. She’s our oldest daughter. Isn’t she pretty? You should have seen her before she gained all that weight from the kids. Talk about a knockout.”

“Here’s Kathy. She is the most reliable of our children. I don’t know where she got her chest from though.”

I cringed when it was my turn. Out of all of my brothers and sisters, I provided the most entertainment and disappointment so there was no telling where this introduction would go.

“Becky is our fourth. Look how pretty her teeth are. Thank God she quit sucking her thumb.”  “She’s on another diet so keep an eye on your dessert. She has a sweet tooth, don’t you, Beck?”

“This is Christy. She’s our baby girl. She’s also agnostic. You know, she doesn’t believe in God. I’ve told her about hell. But, she’s my stubborn child. I guess some of us just have to learn the hard way.”

“And our baby, Tony. He’s just precious. You’d never know his big sisters dressed him in drag when he was little. Although, who knows what he’s wearing under those jeans.”

I can’t wait to create similar memories for my children. Some traditions should never be lost.

Email your embarrassing stories to Becky! This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

By BECKY ANDREWS, Wilson Living Magazine
With all that everyone is trying to accomplish in 24 hours, it’s clear that no one is planning on slowing down. So to that effect, I think there is a need to create some sort of reference formula to keep you from losing it while trying to do too much.

Here it goes…

Ingedients:
1-2 overworked, underappreciated adults
1-3 over stimulated, over indulged children who can’t hear you ask them if they have homework on the ride home from school but, can hear their cell phone vibrate (in their bedroom) before walking in the front door.
1-4 over fed, dirty, accident prone animals that have the nerve to look right at you while relieving themselves on the living room rug.

Directions
Take adults (1-2). For female, have coffee ready and waiting. Make sure her favorite mug wasn’t used as the paintbrush cleaner for a watercolor painting the youngest created last night. If it was, wash it quickly. Warning: DO NOT ask where your keys, wallet or socks are located before that first mug has been sufficiently digested. This is not the time to talk about anything likely to cause stress, i.e. - a leaking roof, clogged toilet or what appears to be water damage on the floors upstairs. In fact, before this first cup, talking should be kept at a minimum and for God’s sake, don’t ask for a kiss! The early morning adult female is like a soufflé, one false move and it’s ruined.

For male, give him a few uninterrupted minutes of SportCenter before complaining about dishes in the sink or mud he tracked into the house yesterday. This is also not the time to bring up the unfinished landscaping, new paint colors for the house or anything about HIS mother.

Special Note: Do yourself a favor and don’t use this quiet time to ask him if you look fat. Give the man a few minutes to recharge so he can look serious when he says, “You look so skinny!”

For children, don’t ask 20 questions before they get out of bed. Let them take a shower first. Also, let them pick out their own clothes. Who cares if their ensemble doesn’t match? It’s amazing what this little bit of responsibility can do for them. Who knows, one day they may start loading the dishwasher or mow the yard without you asking them.  (Depending on how many children you have, if they like the same style shirt or pants or skirt, buy them all for each member. This will help you avoid screaming matches followed by hair pulling over who gets to wear the plaid skirt-I grew up one of four girls so I speak from experience.)

For the pets… HIRE A TRAINER… or you can just decide that this little four legged creature is an irreplaceable member of your family and who cares about the rugs anyway.

Mix the above ingredients well. This will get your day started relatively stress free. Now the rest of the day is up to you.

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By BECKY ANDREWS, Wilson Living Magazine
I’d like to meet the person who coined the term, ‘family vacation’ just once.  First, I’d ask, “Have you ever taken a vacation with your family? How old were the children that went on this trip? Were they potty trained? Were they teenagers? Could they talk?” And before that person could answer any of those questions, I’d go for the jugular, “Did you take your mother-in-law?  I didn’t think so.”

Besides Spanx and the Wonderbra, there are few things more overrated than the family vacation. When did it become a good idea to leave the space and comfort of our home, go to a strange city with higher crime rates and pay $300 a night to stay in a space smaller than your bedroom with your entire family? I’ll tell you when.

When we all started working more, eating-in less and signing up our children for everything from basketball camp to chess lessons.  Since we can’t seem to unwind in our homes, we take a ‘vacation’ (insert sarcasm).

I try every year to plan the perfect trip. I envy those families who talk about how their vacations were everything they dreamed of and more. And when I get the Christmas card that features their whole family wearing mouse ears, grinning from ear to ear, it gives me one more reason to believe that Walt Disney created a ridiculous little rodent mascot to mock me. It makes me hate the happiest place on earth.

By ANGEL KANE
Wilson Living Magazine
This past week, my husband attended a meeting in Memphis and, while there, was completely overjoyed to pop in for a visit with my family. On his way back to town, he called me, “Tell the kids to wait up because I’m bringing home a surprise.”

When I got off the phone, I informed all of them of the possibility of huge surprise and each starting playing the guessing game.

By BECKY ANDREWS, Wilson Living Magazine We all have a person that gets us. The person that appreciates your sense of humor appreciates your fashion sense-even though they frequently make fun of it- and agrees that when it comes to this friendship it’s pretty special.

By ANGEL KANE, Wilson Living Magazine There is only one thing more painful than taking a hammer and repeatedly slamming it against the tips of your fingers, over and over again. And we all know what it is…shopping for school supplies.

Can I get an AMEN!?

By BECKY ANDREWS, Wilson Living Magazine
This summer our home has been a revolving door of activity. I do believe there’s not been a single week where my boys have not had at least one sleepover (at our house). You may or may not know how hard it is to work from home during your children’s summer break. It’s not all together impossible, just challenging. And unless you’ve sat at your makeshift desk at the kitchen table talking on the phone, trying to work on your computer while your children decide to fight a blood match 12 inches away-you may not understand.

By ANGEL KANE, Wilson Living Magazine
You know THAT feeling you get in the pit of your stomach - when you first realize -  you’ve made a mistake? It hits you like a ton of bricks and then the bricks just lay there at the bottom of your stomach and you think….

….&*%$*…..this was a BIG mistake!

By ANGEL KANE
 
My husband and I are amazed by the fact our children continue to persist in the theory that America is a democracy. They wake up in the morning clinging to this belief and go to bed at night dreaming of the red, white and blue. Problem is, while America is a democracy, my children do not get to partake in this free and independent state.

That’s because we like to run our home as a purely dictatorial society. In fact it brings us great joy to do so. Our favorite game is the voting game - a game very similar to what voting in Cuba is like. We let the three kids vote on where to eat dinner, what movie to see and so on. But then if the vote doesn’t go our way, we simply explain to them that parents actually have two votes each, so no matter how hard they campaign - - they can never carry the vote. This is always a fun game, as is the enjoyable game of “no you can’t, because I said so”, which I hear is a Fidel favorite.

By BECKY ANDREWS,
Wilson Living Magazine
It started out like any other Monday when the kids are on summer break. I showered, noticed a really bad pimple-that looked like I was sprouting a unicorn-, put on my skinny shorts and noticed that they had shrunk over the weekend (however, I don’t remember washing them OR putting them in the dryer.

By ANGEL KANE,
Wilson Living Magazine

That is always the dreaded question, isn’t it?

By BECKY ANDREWS
Wilson Living Magazine
My dad is a failure. Sounds harsh, I know. Hear me out though. Dad’s not from the south. He grew up the first child of, Elena Romano. When Elena entered the United States via ship from Italy she was just 2 years old. Shortly after her family arrived her father and mother split up and soon all four of their children, including Elena, were placed in separate orphanages. Keep in mind this was a different time.

By ANGEL KANE,
Wilson Living Magazine
On any given Monday, if you ask me what I’m doing – I’ll tell you – “I’m dieting.”  It’s been that way since I was 16. And there isn’t a diet out there that I haven’t tried.

I’ve been on the Hollywood Diet, a 48 hour diet comprised of only drinking a fruit juice concoction. (I lasted one day) The Cleansing Diet, a three day diet comprised of only drinking water mixed with lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper. (I lasted one sip) The Rice Diet, a week long diet comprised of ….you guessed it ….rice. (I lasted two bowls) Followed by all the usual suspects … Atkins, Weight Watchers, The Zone…. (three days, two days, one day).

By BECKY ANDREWS
Wilson Living Magazine
It’s no secret to my friends, family and anyone wandering the cleaning isle of the local grocery that I don’t enjoy cleaning. I enjoy cooking, eating, reading. I do not enjoy cleaning. It’s a necessary evil though so I oblige with my barrage of cleaning products neatly placed in a storage caddy that I carry from room to room. The only time I stop complaining is when I’m gagging while cleaning my boys’ bathroom. (I will never understand how a man can be trained to hit a target at one thousand yards away but hitting the space inside a toilet eludes him?)

By ANGEL KANE
Wilson Living Magazine
So I am pretty sure when God was handing out the “sporty” gene, I was somewhere in the back of the room engrossed in a Lifetime movie starring either Valerie Bertinelli or  Jacqueline Smith.

Nevertheless, he sent me down to earth without it…and since that day I have been paying the price.

By BECKY ANDREWS
Wilson Living Magazine
He lay there in the exam chair, feet hanging off the end, a fluorescent light shining down, watching the Discovery Channel playing on the ceiling. We were at the dentist. It was an ordinary Monday for me, an extraordinary Monday for my oldest since he was getting to miss a half-day of school to get his teeth cleaned.

By BECKY ANDREWS
Somewhere in history, who knows when, it became clear that enough was not enough. It was probably somewhere between Cleopatra and Marc Antony’s demise at the Battle of Actium when they knew death was not far off that Cleo turned to Mark and said,

“Why didn’t you bring more than two spears? Now we are staring death in the face”
“Maybe if you would have packed more”
‘Maybe if you would have bought more”
“If you can tell me where I can buy more than two at a time, I’ll do it. Until then, shut up and fight!”